Introducing the Halal Snack Pack.
A Halal Snack Pack (or HSP) is comprised of 4 layers of heart-attack inducing elements: chips, cheese, kebab meat, and sauce. It’s likely to exceed your daily intake of fats, salt, and carbs in one meal and you won’t care one bit because you can stop searching – you’ve hit the apex of the unhealthy end of the food pyramid and it doesn’t get tastier than that. A good HSP is more satisfying than any burger, doughnut, or freakshake – and they’re much, much cheaper.
But before you rush out and get busy clogging up those arteries here are a few guidelines.
- Don’t skip the cheese.
- Don’t get sour cream.
- Don’t get it if it’s not halal.
- If the server doesn’t call you ‘brother’ consider a different establishment.
- If it’s served in anything other than a Styrofoam container consider stomping on it in protest and trying a different establishment.
- Don’t get tomato sauce.
- Don’t even think about getting tomato sauce.
Do any of those things and you’re a haram dingo.
And that’s bad.
If you’re not sure what the heck I’m talking about then you obviously haven’t joined the online cult community ‘Halal Snack Pack Appreciation Society’ (HSPAS). That’s right, HSPs aren’t just a passing fad, for many they’re a passion and a lifestyle. Since joining the HSPAS facebook page I experienced a change in my newsfeed that even rivalled the Cool Dog Group dogalanche circa December 2015. The HSPAS micro-culture is an eclectic one with definitive do’s and don’ts. Every HSP experience is rated on greeting (“Hello brother” is the preferred salutation, signage (halal signage must be clear – neon for a perfect score), meat, chips, packaging (Styrofoam gets a perfect score, nothing else compares), sauce (more on this below), and value. It’s frequent to see reviews that fill the computer screen; walls of eloquent prose that often become more like an ode-to-hsp than a review. It’s a confusing world at first, but soon you find yourself muttering ‘stupid dingo’ when someone cuts you off on the highway or describing things you like as ‘halal’ and you realise that you’re now one of them – a HSP enthusiast.
Let me break the flow right here to clear up what might be for some people the elephant in the room – Why is it a ‘halal’ snack pack, why not just a ‘snack pack’?
The answer is pretty simple. HSPs are kind of like a modified, salad-removed, version of a kebab. And kebabs are a food that Australia has inherited from our middle eastern immigrants, many of whom are concerned about whether their food is halal or not. This might not be important to you – but to those beautiful souls who crafted the first Halal Snack Pack it was a crucial part of the magical recipe. Could you make a snack pack that’s not halal? Nope. It just wouldn’t be the same.
By now your keyboard is probably covered in a thick layer of drool. Good. It’s time to get a Halal Snack Pack. As with most food trends Brisbane is following in the shadow of Sydney and Melbourne so don’t expect to see HSPs on the menu board at your local kebab shop. You’ll have to just ask for a Halal Snack Pack and see what happens. The chances are that they’ll probably know what you’re after, but if they’re not – educate them! ‘Chips then cheese then meat then sauce my friend!’ Spread the love. For your first snackpack get the holy trinity of sauces: BBQ, garlic, and chilli. It’s a time-tested and reliable combination. After you’ve tried the holy trinity feel free to experiment, but if you go anywhere near tomato sauce prepare to be berated by the HSPAS.
The best places to find a good HSP in Brisbane are:
- The Kebab Shop – West End.
- Sunshine Kebabs – Myer Centre.
- Your local kebab shop? Let us know in the comments where you’ve found the best snackie!
Review by Andrew Bloyce.